Though he once said he planned to shut the account down once Bo Pelini was no longer Nebraska’s head coach, Faux Pelini stuck around at least long enough to give some parting advice to new Huskers head coach Mike Riley.
Sit back and prepare to enjoy some greatness – and some truth about coaching at a big-time program.
TWITTER LETTER TO MIKE RILEY (WHOEVER THAT IS)
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
Congratulations on taking my job from me, I hope you’re happy with yourself. I know it’s not your fault BUT I HATE YOU ANYWAY.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
Even though you are mean I’ve decided to tell you what you need to know about your new job.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
The best thing: UNLIMITED KHAKIS AND HOODIES. Check the walk-in closet behind Tim Miles’ office by the Coke machine. OH GOD I MISS IT SO.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
I’ve heard there is free bubble gum near Shawn Eichorst’s office, but nobody knows where that is.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
Most fans are good. Some are impatient, some are old and don’t like noise, but most are fine. The ones who leave early are assholes, though.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
IMPORTANT: DON’T HIRE YOUR BROTHER. OR AT LEAST MY BROTHER.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
Your boss won’t give you a specific number of games you have to win to not get fired, but here’s a hint: IT’S AT LEAST TEN.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
When you finish in the Top 20, they will require you to start finishing in the Top 15. When you do that, the Top 10. And then the Playoff.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
And if you make the Playoff a couple of times but lose, TAKE A WILD GUESS ABOUT WHAT THEY WILL REQUIRE NEXT.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
So while they say they just want you to get the program over the hump, there are actually about 37 humps, EACH ONE WAITING TO MAKE YOU SAD.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
IMPORTANT: ASSUME ALL MICROPHONES ARE “HOT” EVEN WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE ASSHOLES WHO LEAVE GAMES EARLY. especially then, actually
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
Oh — if people say that your real job is to lead young men & get high graduation rates & run a clean program, I WANT YOU TO LAUGH AT THEM.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
NO, I WANT YOU TO STAND UP AND POINT AT THEM AND LAUGH MANIACALLY UNTIL THEY CRY AND LEAVE THE ROOM.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
BECAUSE SUNDAY THEY HAD A 45 MINUTE PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT HOW I GOT FIRED FOR NOT WINNING ENOUGH GAMES AND CHAMPIONSHIPS. AND THAT WAS IT.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
OK, good luck I guess. If you have questions call me at 1-800-IM-GETTING-SEVEN-MILLION-DOLLARS-TO-NOT-WORK-SO-FIGURE-IT-OUT-YOURSELF-SUCKA.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
Or maybe I’ll stick around for a little while to help you. I haven’t decided yet.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
BYE.
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014
