Years from now, this moment will come upon you out of nowhere, its warmth enveloping you like a blanket by the fire. Right here, in the moment, it's nothing. Your wife on the phone with her mother. Daughter on her phone. Your dog at your feet, gnawing on a shoe.
As you find yourself sheltering in the hollowed out shell of what someone else's home used to be, you'll realize that moment was the last time everything was normal. The last moment everything was right. The last moment before the blast.
Years from now, as the rush of nostalgia for the life you used to have delivers your brain a temporary high followed by a bitter, biting sadness, you'll also acknowledge a begrudging truth as you lie on the cold floor: even despite all you've lost, you're still one of the lucky ones.
You now live in FootballScoop's Nuclear Winter.
As in previous editions, the goal here is to have some fun while illustrating how quickly the coaching carousel could spin in the most entertaining way possible — while remaining tethered to the realm of plausibility.
*First disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
*Second disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
*Third and final disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
MID-TO-LATE NOVEMBER
PREVIOUS OPENINGS: Boise State, Michigan State, Mississippi State, Northwestern, San Diego State, Texas A&M
Arkansas: Sam Pittman gets a call from a neighbor. The hog statue on his Lake Hamilton property has stopped working. An ominous sign, Pittman thinks to himself, then gets back to game-planning. Later that day, Hunter Yurachek enters Pittman's office. Arkansas will let Pittman go after the Missouri game to end the year. Pittman's mind immediately goes to the hogs.
Baylor: Mack Rhoades doesn't want to make a change, but allowing 50-plus to TCU -- Baylor's fourth straight, fifth in six games, sixth in eight, and its 12th in the last 15 -- forces his hand. Dave Aranda is let go.
Boise State: Boise State's season mercifully comes to an end on Nov. 24. On Nov. 25, Bryan Harsin is introduced for the second time as Boise State's head coach.
New Mexico: After finishing this season with three wins, making it 10 wins in four seasons as the head Lobo, Danny Gonzales sits in his office all weekend following their final game. By Tuesday, and not hearing anything from his administration Gonzales decides he might as well keep working. Hey, this is Nuclear Winter, anything could happen.
UCLA: A pre-Black Sunday stunner. After a 52-35 loss to USC, UCLA ends the Chip Kelly era six seasons in, and the Bruins have the most attractive (or at least the sunniest) job in the Big Ten market.
Indiana: When John Brice reports that Tom Allen will not return at Indiana, the Hoosier fanbase briefly shrugs and gets back to pondering who will start that afternoon's game with UConn at Madison Square Garden.
East Carolina: Two straight winning seasons in 2021-22 bought Mike Houston stability at ECU, but a 2-10 season forces the administration to dock the ship. East Carolina is open.
Houston: Tillman Fertitta asks Dana Holgorsen to meet him at Morton's -- Tillman owns the place. "You're out," Fertitta says. "I know," Holgo responds. Fertitta finishes his drink, then juts off to a Rockets game -- he owns the team. Four vodka Red Bulls later, Dana learns Fertitta left him to cover the tab.
Florida: They knew the rebuild from Dan Mullen wouldn't be easy, but five straight losses to close a second straight losing season is too much to bear. Billy Napier is out at Florida.
Pitt: A 9-loss campaign in his ninth season doesn't sit well with anyone; but AD Heather Lyke has announced she is committed to making it work with Pat Narduzzi. Without fanfare, Narduzzi calls his team together for an end of season meeting, tells them he loves them and wishes them well. Pat walks out of the building and gets in a black car. He takes the blue vase with him.
Michigan State: One hour after leaving Pitt's facility, FootballScoop breaks the news Michigan State is planning to bring Pat Narduzzi home.
Ohio State: After a thrilling, yet third straight, loss to Michigan in what is one of the most watched college football games ever, Ryan Day openly ponders if the NFL life would be a better fit for his family and professional ambitions. That evening Gene Smith helps convince Ryan he is correct. Ohio State is open.
Akron: Joe Moorhead leaves immediately after Akron's Black Friday finale with Ohio to re-take the Penn State offensive coordinator job. Akron is open.
Central Michigan: The Connor Stalions scandal finally leads to accountability... in Mount Pleasant. After a "Dyson Hoover" is found on the sideline pass list for CMU's game with Michigan State, a brief investigation leads to Jim McElwain's forced resignation.
Syracuse: Syracuse drops games to Georgia Tech and Wake Forest down the stretch, leaving the Orange bowl-less and Dino Babers out of a job. Syracuse is open.
UTEP: At the end of this, his sixth season as head coach at UTEP, Dana Dimel decides to "step down". A 3-9 season and 20 wins in six years makes it feel like this well is done. University leadership begins a search for a new head Miner.
ADDITIONAL OPENINGS: Ball State, Nevada
JOBS FILLED: Boise State, Michigan State
TOTAL OPENINGS: 21
As November turns into December, the cold is only beginning to settle...
EARLY DECEMBER
Georgia, Michigan, Florida State and Oregon are the College Football Playoff participants, the transfer portal is in full swing, Signing Day is around the corner, and all take a back seat to Nuclear Winter.
Michigan: After hammering Iowa 6-0 in the Big Ten Championship, Michigan accepts the No. 2 seed in the Playoff while announcing an 8-year, $88 million fully-guranteed contract for Jim Harbaugh. In a press conference that day, Warde Manuel cries. Asked if he's concerned about extending such a commitment to Harbaugh amid two NCAA investigations, U-M president Santa Ono says, "I'm just hoping coach doesn't dismiss me."
Pitt: The day after Pat Narduzzi leaves for Michigan State, Pitt promotes the best defensive line coach in the country to head coach. Charlie Partridge is Pitt's head coach.
Florida: An offensive savant with a sharp tongue who loves visors? What's not to like? Florida hires Lane Kiffin.
Iowa: An emotional Kirk Ferentz takes the podium. "If I can't punt nine times a game, I simply don't know how I can do this job. Especially after our punter declared early," he says, fighting back tears. "Today I announce my resignation, effective immediately."
Mississippi State: State knows Dan Mullen would take the job if offered, but first the Bulldogs would like to bring in Troy's Jon Sumrall for an interview. The interview goes well, and he agrees to think on the offer and get back to them.
UTEP: A finalist for the jobs at New Mexico and UTSA, UTEP hires Texas native and longtime assistant Curtis Luper as its new Head Miner.
Ohio State: The Team Up North has their Michigan Men, and Ohio State has their Buckeye Boys. Nine of the last 10 Ohio State coaches had previous ties to Ohio State or the State of Ohio, and the new hire makes it 10 of 11. A Columbus native, a former Ohio State nose guard, a former Ohio State GA, a former Ohio State position coach, a former Ohio State coordinator, and a former Ohio State interim head coach, Luke Fickell is Ohio State's new head coach.
Ole Miss: While discussing the State offer, Ole Miss calls. Discussions are had. An offer is made. Jon Sumrall is the new head coach at Ole Miss.
Texas A&M: Texas A&M moves decisively to hire a coach with nearly two decades of program-building, of dealing with mega-boosters and, in a change for A&M, of getting more out of the sum of his parts, not less. He's a man, he's an Aggie. Texas A&M hires Mike Gundy.
Syracuse: Sean Lewis finds an escape hatch out of Boulder by returning to Syracuse as the Orange's head coach.
Arkansas: Fresh off leading his team to an AAC championship and a New Year's Six bowl berth, Rhett Lashlee leaves SMU to return to his alma mater.
Wisconsin: He was fully prepared to remain at his current program... until the flagship school in his home state called. The opportunity to go from Whitewater to Madison simply too much to pass up, Lance Leipold takes the Wisconsin job.
UCLA: His program isn't going to the Big Ten, but he is. UCLA hires Oregon State's Jonathan Smith.
Northwestern: David Braun's first move as Northwestern's head coach is a stunner -- at the FCS level. Matt Entz leaves his North Dakota State head coaching position to coordinate the defense in Evanston.
Houston: Dumbfounded by their luck in A&M and Arkansas passing on him, Houston scoops up UTSA's Jeff Traylor.
Baylor: The path goes like this -- NFL practice squad player, to CFL quarterback, to GA, analyst, to NFL quality control coach, to Mountain West coordinator, to AAC coordinator, to FCS head coach, to Sun Belt head coach, and now to Big 12 head coach, all in 1-year succession. GJ Kinne is the new head coach at Baylor.
JOBS FILLED: Baylor, Houston, Florida, Ohio State, Ole Miss, Pitt, Syracuse, Texas A&M, UCLA, Wisconsin, UTEP
NEW OPENINGS: Iowa, Kansas, Oklahoma State, Oregon State, SMU, Texas State, Troy, UTSA
STILL OPEN: Akron, Ball State, Central Michigan, East Carolina, Indiana, Mississippi State, Nevada, San Diego State
TOTAL OPENINGS: 29
As Christmas approaches, the college football calendar picks up: awards season, the Portal, Signing Day, and the beginning of bowl season. But the cold winds of Nuclear Winter could ruin anyone's holiday plans at a moment's notice....
LATE DECEMBER
Temperatures plunge below zero across much of the continental United States. Even those in Hawaii break out a windbreaker in the mornings. It is winter, yes, but it's more than that. As the College Football Playoff ramps up, Nuclear Winter strengthens its grip on the nation.
Willie Fritz: Coming off an 11-2 season, Fritz feels he's accomplished all he can at Tulane and prepares to take his last opportunity to pursue a national championship. He initially plans on returning to his native Kansas, but a compelling pitch from Oklahoma State AD Mike Holder, along with the Cowboys' history of consistent winning, sways him to take the OSU job.
Mississippi State: After missing on Sumrall, State goes back to their "first choice" and hires Dan Mullen.
Texas State: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. After successfully hiring away from Incarnate Word last winter, Texas State hires Incarnate Word head coach Clint Killough.
UTSA: Days before Oregon meets Georgia in the Sugar Bowl, Broyles Award-winning Oregon offensive coordinator Will Stein returns to UTSA as head coach.
SMU: SMU is devastated to lose Rhett Lashlee immediately after its first conference title since a Southwest Conference co-championship in 1984, but that feeling quickly fades once the Mustangs hit the market as an ACC program. Following a robust round of interviews, SMU hires Liberty's Jamey Chadwell.
Kansas: Having missed out on Willie Fritz, Kansas moves on to another 60-something head coach with a history of winning and an inventive running game. Rich Rodriguez is no longer a Gamecock, he's now a Jayhawk.
Iowa: A number of accomplished coaches with Iowa ties are linked to the search for Kirk Ferentz's replacement -- Bob Stoops, Mark Stoops, Bret Bielema. Hawkeyes AD Beth Goetz hires the one that makes sense. Kansas State's Chris Klieman is Iowa's head coach.
Indiana: In three years with Kane Wommack on staff, Tom Allen's teams went 13-12 in Big Ten play. In the one season before his hire and the three seasons after Wommack's departure, Allen went 5-31. Kane Wommack is the new Head Hoosier.
Liberty: He's coveted a head coaching position for a while now, and finally lands one at a place where coveting is explicitly outlined in the university handbook. Al Golden is Liberty's head coach.
Akron: The brain drain on Marcus Freeman's Notre Dame staff continues, as Irish quarterbacks coach Gino Guidugli takes the Akron job.
East Carolina: The Pirates announce that Florida State offensive coordinator Alex Atkins will captain the ship upon the conclusion of the Seminoles' Playoff run.
Ball State: Ball State hires Cincinnati defensive coordinator Bryan Brown as the new chief Cardinal.
Nevada: At the head of the wolf pack, a bronco leads. Nevada hires former BYU and Virginia head coach Bronco Mendenhall.
Tulane: One year in Nick Saban's fellowship program was enough. Tommy Rees lands the Tulane head coaching job.
South Alabama: Inspired by an impressive run as Auburn's interim head coach in 2022, South Alabama pulls Cadillac Williams away from his alma mater. South Alabama wins the press conference, 63-0.
Jacksonville State: As it continues a successful transition to FBS, Jacksonville State sticks with its formula of hiring established Power 5 names as its head coach. Upon the conclusion of Georgia's season, Will Muschamp will take over as JSU's head coach.
San Diego State: After a year re-acclimating himself to the West Coast as UCLA's director of leadership, he's now ready to jump back in. Ken Niumatalolo is San Diego State's new head coach.
Oregon State: With so much uncertainty swirling around the program's future, Oregon State struggles to find a suitable match in its first round of interviews. Coaches want certainty, and Oregon State doesn't have much. In their second round of interviews, Oregon State makes the right choice. Missouri offensive coordinator and former Boise State wide receiver Kirby Moore takes the Oregon State job.
West Virginia: Neal Brown seemed to be in the clear, but as a 6-3 start devolves into a 6-7 finish, boosters demand a change. The next day, Jimbo Fisher takes the WVU job. He works the first two years for free.
Central Michigan: After helping Jayden Daniels to the Heisman Trophy, LSU offensive coordinator Mike Denbrock returns home as Central Michigan's head coach.
JOBS OPENED: Jacksonville State, Kansas State, Liberty, Tulane, West Virginia, South Alabama
JOBS FILLED: Akron, Ball State, Central Michigan, East Carolina, Indiana, Jacksonville State, Kansas, Liberty, Mississippi State, Nevada, Oklahoma State, Oregon State, San Diego State, South Alabama, SMU, Texas State, Tulane, UTSA, West Virginia
JOBS STILL OPEN: Troy
TOTAL OPENINGS: 35
EARLY JANUARY
Michigan: Michigan beats Georgia for the national title. The NCAA discovers Connor Stalions was truly a lone wolf, his operation bankrolled by private funding the organization cannot trace. The NCAA also announces the COVID recruiting investigation is done, and accepts Harbaugh's previously-served 3-game suspension. The Big Ten issues a formal apology. Michigan is fully in the clear. Elsewhere, Luke Fickell gets a flat tire on the way to an in-home visit, angering a key recruit who announces for Michigan that night. JJ McCarthy stuns analysts by announcing a return for 2024.
The next morning, Jim Harbaugh takes the Chicago Bears job.
Kansas State: After a brief search, Kansas State chooses to keep its job in-house. Former Wildcat quarterback Collin Klein is now Wildcat head coach Collin Klein.
Troy: Country roads take Neal Brown back to his adopted home. After going 31-8 in his final three seasons with the Trojans, Neal Brown returns to Troy.
Michigan: Stunned and heartbroken, Michigan understandably takes some time to gather its thoughts before hitting the market. In the interim, John Harbaugh, Kalen DeBoer, even Pat Fitzgerald's names are linked to the opening. Its thoughts gathered and its wounds mended, Michigan hires Matt Rhule away from Nebraska.
Nebraska: Every AD keeps a list tucked away in a desk drawer for times like these, but Trev Alberts never thought he'd need his. Now he does. Alberts hires a future College Football Hall of Famer, a Midwest native and a coach with a strong defensive background. Nebraska fills the 35th and final opening of the 2023-24 cycle by hiring Gary Patterson.
TOTAL OPENINGS: 37
-- THE END --