You awaken in the middle of the night. Or at least it feels like the middle of the night. You reach for the phone at your bedside table, but it turned into an aluminum and glass brick overnight. Weird. You plugged it into the charger before you fell asleep, but the charge didn't take. It's at that moment you realize your overhead fan has shut off and your dog is at attention, waiting. He knows.
The two of you leave the bedroom and turn the corner to the living room. The glows and hums of a home at rest are gone, replaced by a bone-dead stillness.
Max leads you around the couch and to the back door. You open it and step outside. A glowing black sky tells you it's around 4 a.m. The air feels warm, maybe a little humid. But that's when it hits you. It's not what you hear, it's what you don't hear. No chorus of nocturnal animals, calling out to one another. No sighs and breaths of the wind rattling the trees. No sounds of cars traversing the highway off in the distance. Just... nothing. You look at Max, Max looks at you, and the unshakeable thought is clear in your head, that you and that mutt feel like the only two living creatures on earth.
What you don't know is that you're merely the first person to step into FootballScoop's Nuclear Winter.
As in previous editions, the goal here is to have some fun while illustrating how quickly the coaching carousel could spin in the most entertaining way possible — while remaining tethered to the realm of plausibility.
*First disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
*Second disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
*Third and final disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.
Nuclear Winter can take a toll on coaches, readers and families. We remind athletic directors that this exercise is just for fun and not all of these hires would be considered wise for your own professional longevity.
And with all that said, let us begin.
MID-TO-LATE NOVEMBER
Auburn: On the Sunday following the Egg Bowl, @WarStoolEagle tweets out FlightAware data of private aircraft flying from University-Oxford Airport to Auburn University Regional Airport. Within minutes, reporters and message board degenerates alike identify the flight belonging to an Auburn booster. Weeks later, it'll be revealed that Lane Kiffin himself tipped off @WarStoolEagle.
Memphis: When the Tigers fall to SMU to close the regular season, Memphis announces Ryan Silverfield will not return for a fourth season.
Syracuse: A 6-0 start seemed to save his job, but a 6-6 finish undid the goodwill of September and early October. Dino Babers is out after seven seasons.
West Virginia: An 9th-place finish in the Big 12 seemingly isn't enough for West Virginia to move on from Neal Brown, until an anonymous donor covers half of the $16 million buyout.
UAB: The Blazers close the regular season with a 28-24 win over Louisiana Tech, but a 5-7 record is not enough for Bryant Vincent to land the full-time job. UAB AD Mark Ingram announces the school will conduct a "swift and thorough" national search to find the next head Blazer.
Stanford: A 3-9 season complete, an unsigned open letter to the fan base reveals the program will enter "a period of deep thought and reflection" about the direction of the football program.
Louisville: Louisville closes the regular season on a 3-game losing streak, and a loss to a depleted Kentucky team is enough to cost Scott Satterfield his job.
Texas A&M: User 'UnslicedBread' posts an image to TexAgs of a discarded Christmas tree on the driveway of Jimbo Fisher's College Station home.
The following jobs also open: Northern Illinois, Texas State, Tulsa and Western Michigan.
NEW OPENINGS: Louisville, Memphis, Northern Illinois, Syracuse, Texas State, Tulsa, West Virginia, Western Michigan
PREVIOUSLY OPEN: Arizona State, Auburn, Charlotte, Colorado, Georgia Tech, Nebraska, South Florida, Wisconsin
JOBS FILLED: None
TOTAL OPENINGS: 16
As the regular season advances towards the end zone, the carousel is just beginning to turn...
EARLY DECEMBER
Georgia, Michigan, TCU and Tennessee make the College Football Playoff. The carousel is just getting started.
Charlotte: The 49ers become the first FBS team to fill a head coaching vacancy, hiring Tennessee running backs coach Jerry Mack.
Auburn: Lane Kiffin signs an 8-year, $110 million contract, with an $80 million buyout if he leaves for any other college job and no buyout if he leaves for the NFL.
Ole Miss: Mississippi governor Tate Reeves grants Ole Miss an exemption to offer Deion Sanders a 6-year, $50 million to coach the Rebels. He accepts.
Iowa: Kirk Ferentz meets with AD Gary Barta in Barta's office. "You know, Gary, it's no secret things have gotten stale around here. I think it's time to change things up. I think it's time I stepped away..."
"You know, I'm glad you said that, Coach," Barta interjects
"... And handed the program over to Brian."
Kansas: Wisconsin AD Chris McIntosh and Nebraska AD Trev Alberts arrive at the Leipold home simultaneously. "Coach, I want to present you with the opportunity to return to a place you used to coach, to lead the Big Red Nation back to prominence," Alberts says. "Coach, I want you to come home, to return to a place you used to coach, and to lead the flagship program in your home state," McIntosh says.
"Oh, jeez," Leipold says.
Memphis: The rivalry between Memphis and the rest of Tennessee is real, but it doesn't stop the Tigers from pilfering the Vols. Tennessee offensive coordinator Alex Golesh is Memphis's new head coach.
Arizona State: The Sun Devils head north to pull Kalani Sitake away from BYU.
Northern Illinois: After a year in the Deep South, LSU offensive coordinator Mike Denbrock returns to his Midwestern roots as the head coach at NIU.
Western Michigan: On the other, Western Michigan's hire is bold, pulling directly from Division II to college football's highest division. On the other, how bold is it really to hire a college head coach with a 113-17 record? Either way, Ferris State's Tony Annese.
BYU: BYU moves quickly to hire a coach familiar to BYU fans. That's right, they hire former Cougars offensive coordinator Jeff Grimes.
Louisville: The first time around didn't happen, but the second's the charm. Louisville hires former Louisville quarterback and assistant coach Jeff Brohm.
Texas State: After swinging and missing on an offensive-minded first-time head coach with no prior ties to the program, Texas State hires a defensive-minded third-time head coach who spent 2003 as the Bobcats' defensive coordinator. Texas State hires Baylor defensive coordinator Ron Roberts.
West Virginia: Senators Joe Machin and Ted Cruz, combined with major figures from both schools, make a bipartisan pitch to see if Jimbo Fisher would accept a $65 million buyout to leave Texas A&M, plus $40 million in guarantees from West Virginia. Hat askew, reading glasses at his nose, more papers in front of him than a 9th grade English teacher, Jimbo looks up from his desk. "65? I'm not taking one penny less than the 86," Fisher says, referencing his full Texas A&M buyout.
An uncomfortable silence fills the room.
"But... what about the Christmas tree?" Texas A&M chancellor John Sharp asks, voice urgent, like he's holding back tears.
"What Christmas tree?"
"The Christmas tree in front of your house," Sharp says. "I saw it on TexAgs."
"Oh," Fisher says. "Rats got in the box. Chewed up all the lights. Smelled like piss."
Syracuse: After leaving a previously left-for-dead program to a bowl trip in Year 1, Jim Mora bounces from UConn after a year to take over former Big East rival Syracuse.
Colorado: Having missed out on a BYU reunion, Bronco Mendenhall works quickly to secure the Colorado job. Bronco is a Buffalo.
Tulsa: You know how some men are described as guys guys? Tulsa coaches are coaches' coaches. The last three Golden Hurricane head coaches, dating back to 2008, all had high school experience, and that also includes the launching points for high school guys like Gus Malzahn and Chad Morris. The Hurricane go back to their roots in hiring former Ada (OK) High School assistant coach Barry Odom.
South Florida: A 9-3 season, powered by a touchdown-per-game year-over-year improvement, in his first season as Florida State's offensive coordinator inspires USF to hire Alex Atkins as head coach.
Carolina Panthers: Carolina goes against type by hiring a second consecutive college coach. The Panthers hire Dabo Swinney.
NEW OPENINGS: BYU, Clemson, Ole Miss, Purdue, UConn
JOBS FILLED: Arizona State, Auburn, BYU, Charlotte, Louisville, Ole Miss, Syracuse, Texas State, Tulsa and South Florida
STILL OPEN: Georgia Tech, Nebraska, UAB, UConn, West Virginia, Wisconsin
TOTAL OPENINGS: 21
The winds briefly die down as bowl games approach and National Signing Day, but you will later remember these days merely as the clam before the storm...
LATE DECEMBER/EARLY JANUARY
Bowl season is underway, the College Football Playoff approaches, and Nuclear Winter prepares for a second wave...
Purdue: Purdue conducts an extensive search for the next head Boilermaker. The candidates Purdue wants, don't want Purdue. The candidates that want Purdue, Purdue doesn't want. After some thought, Purdue takes a page out of the team down state. Drew Brees is the new head coach at Purdue.
Lance Leipold: Leipold coaches Kansas to a Liberty Bowl victory over Mississippi State and sidesteps all job-related questions after the game, but the gravity in his voice makes it clear this was his last game at KU. The following morning, Wisconsin names him their new head coach.
Georgia Tech: The Yellow Jackets go back to the the option and hire Jamey Chadwell away from Coastal Carolina.
Clemson: Clemson is a family program, but the family's left home -- and not exactly thriving outside the nest. Chad Morris and Jeff Scott flamed out as head coaches. Brent Venables went 6-6 in Year 1 at Oklahoma, Tony Elliott won half that in Year 1 at Virginia. Clemson needs new blood but familiar vibes. They believe they have just the man. Clemson hires Hugh Freeze.
Illinois: After leading the Illini to an upset of Michigan in the Big Ten Championship, Illinois falls to Utah in the Rose Bowl. The following day, Bielema leaves for Nebraska.
Stanford: After more than a month of thought, Stanford announces David Shaw will not return for a 13th season on The Farm.
West Virginia: The benefactor who bought out Neal Brown did so to get Jimbo, but when that didn't work he brought back another West By God Virginia native back to the Country Roads. No, not Nick Saban. West Virginia hires Rich Rodriguez.
Coastal Carolina: With Jamey Chadwell in Atlanta, Coastal hires Phil Longo as head coach. Impressed by his work with Sam Howell and Drake Maye, Grayson McCall returns for a fifth season on the teal turf.
Liberty: As the second half of a 21-17 Georgia-Tennessee Peach Bowl semifinal begins near 10 p.m. ET on New Year's Eve, Liberty sends out an unsigned, quote-free press release: "Liberty announces the hiring of Art Briles as head football coach."
Kansas: Kansas promotes Andy Kotelnicki to head coach moments after Lance Leipold leaves for Madison.
Iowa: Bob Stoops attends the Iowa-Kentucky Gator Bowl in Jacksonville, ostensibly to support his brother and to get away from the Oklahoma winter, but his presence has another purpose. He's there as a Hawkeye letterman, and as former assistant under Hall of Fame Hawkeye coach Hayden Fry.
After the game, the four of them meet in Jacksonville hotel room -- Bob and Mark, Kirk and Brian. "Coach, this program owes you an enormous debt. Yours is a place net to Hayden and Nile. We all know that," Bob says, taking in a deep breath before he utters the sentence he made the trip to say, "but it's time." Another sigh, fighting back tears. "It's time."
Kirk doesn't raise a defense. Instead, he looks to Brian. Tears in his eyes, Brian nods. "It's for the best, Dad. I'll be fine. Trust me. I'll be fine."
Kirk Ferentz rises, and the four of them embrace.
The following day, Mark Stoops is announced as Iowa's next head coach.
UConn: Inspired by Jeff Saturday's 5-2 run as the Indianapolis Colts' head coach, Dan Orlovsky leaves ESPN to take over as the head coach at his alma mater.
JOBS OPENED: Illinois, Iowa, Jacksonville State, Kansas, Kentucky, Stanford
JOBS FILLED: Coastal Carolina, Georgia Tech, Iowa, Kansas, Liberty, Nebraska, Purdue, UConn, West Virginia, Wisconsin
TOTAL OPENINGS: 27
Tennessee stuns Georgia in the Peach Bowl, and Michigan tramples TCU in the Fiesta, setting up a national title game no one foresaw in the preseason. As the AFCA convention approaches, more moves no one predicted are coming...
MID-TO-LATE JANUARY
Just like the 1997 Heisman race, Michigan stuns Tennessee in a classic. Hours before the game, various commissioners from the FBS conferences announce Playoff expansion to begin with the 2024 season. But those aren't the only fireworks left to explode in college football.
Illinois: The Illini promote defensive coordinator Ryan Walters to head coach.
UAB: UAB's long wait to hire a head coach ends with a worthy payoff. After a surprise run to the FCS national title game (they lose to North Dakota State), working on the recommendation of conference bunk mate Jeff Traylor, the Blazers hire Incarnate Word head coach GJ Kinne.
Jacksonville State: After his inspiring run as Auburn's interim head coach, Jacksonville State is inspired to make Cadillac Williams its full-time head coach.
Kentucky: One season, and one Sun Belt championship, was enough for Kentucky to pull Jon Sumrall back from Troy.
Troy: After losing Jon Sumrall to Kentucky, Troy goes back to the well by hiring Kentucky defensive coordinator Brad White.
Stanford: Stanford is the last FBS school to make a hire, waiting until Jan. 10, more than a week after Jacksonville State hired Cadillac. Yet, the wait was worth it. A clandestine search ends with a splash: Stanford hires easily the most-qualified coach on the market, renewed and ready for a challenge, invigorated by the opportunity coach the nation's smartest elite-level football talent and bring the program back to glory. Stanford hires Chris Petersen.
At the AFCA Convention in Charlotte, Dabo Swinney and Lane Kiffin cross paths in a hallway.
"How're you liking Auburn?" Swinney asks.
The pain in Kiffin's face says it all. Lane has always played it cool, but the pain in his eyes breaks through the mask.
"These people," Lane says, "they're just so...."
"... Passionate," Swinney says.
"That's one word for it," Lane responds. "What's it like coaching pros?"
"It's like I'm coaching teenage girls. I try to greet them with a big hug when they walk in the door, they barely look up from their phones and walk right past me."
"Sounds like my kind of people," Lane says.
"So do yours," Dabo answers.
Forty-eight hours later, Auburn and Carolina announce the respective hiring of each other's head coaches.
@WarStoolEagle tweets, "I mean, I'm not mad, but the Lane Kiffin era was officially a huge waste of time for Auburn football." Lane retweets it.
-- THE END --