FootballScoop's Nuclear Winter VI

You didn't know it at the time, but you've spent the better part of a year preparing for this. You stocked up on the necessities. You kept loved ones at a distance -- for their safety, and your own. "We'll see each other again when this is all over," you told each other. "It'll be better then."

Except when the cold winds blew and the darkness arrived, you knew. Truth be told, you knew it all along. Down in your bones, where the deepest of all truths lie, you knew. Even as you toiled in spring and prepared all summer, you knew nothing you did could possibly spare you from what was coming. The head, even the heart, they can be fooled -- but your bones always know.

For when the cold winds blow, only the lucky survive FootballScoop's Nuclear Winter.

As in previous editions, the goal here is to have some fun while illustrating how quickly the coaching carousel could spin in the most entertaining way possible — while remaining tethered to the realm of plausibility.

*First disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.

*Second disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only. 

*Third and final disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only.

And with all that said, let us begin.

EARLY-TO-MID DECEMBER

Speaking of truths one already knew, a win over Kansas State doesn't mask the reality that the loss to Iowa State truly was Black Friday for Tom Herman. When the Big 12 announces on Sunday, Dec. 6 that the Dec. 12 Texas-Kansas game will not be played as a mercy to all involved, Texas announces Herman will not be retained.

Liberty closes its season with a 27-24 loss to Coastal Carolina, and Hugh Freeze finds South Carolina AD Ray Tanner standing conspicuously outside of Coastal's visitors' locker room. The two duck away to have a quick chat, where Tanner extends an offer but Freeze, while humbled, "needs time to pray about it."

The first job is off the board when Southern Miss swoops in to hire Tulane offensive coordinator Will Hall.

The only year he doesn't lose to Ohio State is the year that costs Jim Harbaugh his job. The Game is canceled, which may cost Ohio State a shot at the Playoff, but it's not enough to buy Harbaugh a seventh season at his alma mater. The two sides announce a mutual parting of ways.

Two years ago, Syracuse won 10 games. This year, Syracuse won one. That type of trajectory usually costs coaches their jobs, and it costs Dino Babers his.

Losing to Clemson on Dec. 5, you can stomach. Losing to Virginia a week later, for a second year in a row? That's another story. Virginia Tech drops its second straight Commonwealth Cup to UVA and, when coupled with the Hokies' earlier loss to Liberty, sees one of college football's most consistent winners slink to second third in their own state. Virginia Tech dismisses Justin Fuente.

Akron loses a squeaker to Bowling Green and a blowout to Buffalo -- Jarret Patterson runs for 305 yards and four touchdowns before Lance Leipold takes him out at halftime -- and ends the Tom Arth era 0-18.

Middle Tennessee moves on from 15 mostly successful seasons of the Rick Stockstill era, ending his tenure at 94-93.

Bowling Green does beat Akron, but the way the Falcons strain to do it convinces Bowling Green's administration to pull the plug on the Scot Loeffler era after two seasons.

It finally happens. Mississippi State beats Auburn to end the Tigers' year at 5-5, and the Auburn brass rallies the money to buy out Gus. Though he's disappointed for his players and his staff, on the inside he's relieved. No more endless drama. No more insane pressure to keep up with Nick Saban. After it's all over, Gus and Kristi go to Waffle House. Gus bites into his ham and cheese omelet. It tastes like freedom.

The trajectory of Kevin Sumlin's career is something scientists and philosophers will study for decades. From 12 wins at Houston in 2011; to 11 in his first season at Texas A&M; then to nine for three straight years; then to eight; then seven; then five at Arizona; then four; and then zero. Arizona State returns to action after more than a month off to win the Territorial Cup and usher in a regime change in Tucson.

The Tennessee job really is different -- the highs higher, the lows lower. Wasn't it just a few weeks ago Jeremy Pruitt's Vols, riding an 8-game winning streak, ranked No. 14, and tied with Georgia at halftime. Two months and two days later, Pruitt has lost seven straight games and his job.

After covid cuts Minnesota's season short, Mike Sanford, Jr., cuts his time in Minneapolis short. The Gophers offensive coordinator leaves after one season to return to Utah State as head coach.

Turns out, that upset of Wisconsin and the trip to the Redbox Bowl was the peak of the Lovie Smith regime at Illinois. The Illini close with losses to Iowa, Northwestern and, finally, to Penn State dropping them to 2-6 on the year and 17-40 for the Smith era. Illinois is open.

Ray Tanner calls Hugh Freeze again. "Still in prayer," Tanner is told.

STILL OPEN: South Carolina, Vanderbilt

NEW OPENINGS: Akron, Arizona, Auburn, Bowling Green, Illinois, Michigan, Middle Tennessee, Syracuse, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia Tech

JOBS FILLED: Southern Miss, Utah State

TOTAL OPENINGS: 15

A strange season hurtles toward a strange end. The early signing period opens in the middle of a game week, as teams are at once playing bowl games, conference championship games and regular season games. Selection Sunday looms, Christmas is around the corner and Nuclear Winter is just getting started...

On site at Lucas Oil Stadium for the Big Ten Championship, Rob Stone gracefully leads Urban Meyer into the most awkward announcement in the history of college football pre-game shows. Urban admits to having productive conversations with Texas but, citing health reasons and his happiness as a semi-retired family man, says he's staying put. On set you can hear faint groaning out of Austin that maybe they should just see if Mack wants to come back.

Unwilling to wait on Hugh to hear The Word, South Carolina quickly moves on to Shane Beamer. He takes the job, and shortly thereafter announces Bud Foster and his lunch pail squad are joining him in Columbia.

Clemson beats Notre Dame 31-24 in the ACC Championship, and Florida shocks Alabama 38-37 in the SEC title game. Satisfied with what they've seen, the selection committee runs it back -- No. 1 Florida vs. No. 4 Clemson in the Sugar Bowl, No. 2 Alabama vs. No. 3 Notre Dame in the Rose.

While Alabama gears up for a sixth Playoff run in seven seasons, the Tide's biggest rivals square off for a battle of their own. Tennessee offers Hugh Freeze eight years at $56 million, while Auburn goes six for $45 million -- fully guaranteed the moment he signs.

While many argue for them to go get a triple option coach or their own Pat Fitzgerald, Vanderbilt does the exact opposite and hires Will Healy, thereby making him the first coach to go from a winless season at the FCS level to an SEC job in five years' time.

After South Carolina focuses on other options, Virginia Tech swoops in and swipes up the only coach in Sun Belt history to piece together an undefeated season. Jamey Chadwell is a Hokie.

After thoroughly evaluating Kansas's 0-9 season, Jeff Long pinpoints the issue with Jayhawk football. Kansas isn't committed to Les Miles enough. He signs Les to a 4-year extension.

Sometimes coaching hires are really complicated. Other times the guy at the school 150 miles east of you completes an undefeated season at a school that hadn't done it since 1897. Syracuse hires Lance Leipold.

Michigan holds a brief, cordial conversation with Luke Fickell before deciding it would just be too weird for both sides. The Wolverines' focus quickly moves to Matt Campbell.

A Christmas Eve stunner -- Gary Patterson is hanging up his visor and grabbing his guitar after 20 seasons as TCU's head coach and 23 with the program.

It's not every year a two-time MAC champion expresses interest in a MAC vacancy, but this is not every year. Butch Jones returns to the MAC as Bowling Green's head coach.

After petering out so quickly in the Kevin Sumlin era, Arizona realizes it needs players, it needs attitude, and striking a blow across Arizona State's bow wouldn't hurt either. Arizona accomplishes all three in swiping Antonio Pierce out of Tempe.

Iowa pastes NC State 27-7 in the Duke's Mayo Bowl and afterward Kirk Ferentz hops on the postgame Zoom and reveals now's the right time for him to step down. The last coach hired in the 20th century is now gone.

Within moments of each other, VolQuest and AuburnUndercover announce each school has agreed to terms with Hugh Freeze. Somewhere, Greg Schiano and Bobby Petrino smile.

With three 10-win campaigns in four years, Illinois strikes gold in securing Land of Lincoln native Jeff Monken to coach the Illini.

Auburn eventually matches Tennessee's offer -- eight years, $56 million, fully guaranteed -- but what really wins Freeze over is their pitch that coaching in the SEC West affords him the opportunity for annual showdowns with Nick Saban and Ole Miss. Freeze is a Tiger.